We Chat

WeChat is the Chinese version of  Facebook, Skype, WhatsApp and Tinder all rolled into one. It's marvellous, there's nothing it can't do. The best part is the' discover' feature, you can shake your phone and be randomly introduced to anyone else shaking their phone at that minute. Most of the shakers turn out to be prostitutes who quickly offer you their price list and quickly get a stern thanks but no thanks in return, but it’s always fun to chat with them for a bit before saying goodbye.

Another delayed flight, another long airport wait, another dose of boredom , I decided to shake the phone and see what offers I got. 

Chloe she said her name was. In Beijing she said she was,  Which was where I was heading. 

‘Hi,’ I typed. 

“Hi,”she said. 

She was beautiful in the profile pic, but let's not pretend; it probably wasn't her picture. Just a generic picture of a beautiful Chinese lady that half the whores in town were using. 

We exchanged pleasantries, the offer of a ‘happy massage’ was bound to come sooner or later. Some girls tried to hook you in by building up a nice rapport, some just hit you with a price list. This one was playing the long game. 

“What do you do?” She asked. 

I don't know what came over me. I was bored. I thought I would get in there first. 

“I'm a gigolo,” I typed. With a smiley face after it. I thought she would know I was joking. 

“Really?”

“Yes,” I typed. “I'm in China for three weeks to satisfy the needs of three women.” 

Let's get this straight. I'm not a gigolo. I'm a salesman. I am not satisfying women, I am trying to sell tea to China. It’s a thankless task. They are not interested in British teabags, and why would they be.  

I watched my phone until my flight was called, but she didn't reply. I'd obviously scared her off. After all she was probably on the game herself and I don't think hookers go to hookers. 

The flight was long and smelly. My eyes were tired when I arrived in Beijing. I longed for fresh air. But this was Beijing the best I could get was fresh air-con. I stretched and yawned and turned on my phone. It bleeped. 

“Got time to squeeze me in?” 

I scratched my head. This wasn't in the plan; she wasn't meant to take the bait. I knew I should leave it. Delete and block her like I did with the happy massage ladies. My thumb hovered over the delete button.

“I doubt you can afford me.” I typed.

“How much,” she asked almost like she had that question ready typed. 

“4000 Chinese.” This was double what I'd been told by the girls, a price I thought so exorbitant it would put her off.

“Okay. Where are you staying? “

So here I am, naked in my hotel room 4000 Yuan on my bedside table and one happy woman in my shower.