Monday 23 June 2014

The Power of Dead Balls

Okay this story carries a very red warning. It is a little cruder than my normal red warning stories. You have been warned.
But there is a reason for that - this story also has a story behind it. Explanation at the end. 

Greta sighed as another layer of frustration washed over her, was she ever gonna find herself a proper man? She was nearly 30 and starting to panic as she got older, worried she'd never find her Mr Right. Andy snored lightly next to her, he certainly wasn't Mr Right, he wasn't Mr Wrong either just Mr Bog Standard. He was very honest, very hard working but he was a little uninspiring in life and a real let down between the sheets. He was a big lad, a real handful but big isn’t always best, he was very quick, very direct, he just wanted to whip it in; she wished he'd move it around a little more. To make matters worse he was always trying to nip in behind too. The previous one had been the complete opposite, clever, witty, caring but too slow, too predictable in bed, side to side and back and forward, difficult to stop. 
What was wrong with her? She was a pretty girl, dark hair, dark skin alluring eyes, not too fat, not too thin, all she wanted was a man to engage her mind and satisfy her body, was that too much to ask? 


Wow that was better, a lot more like it, not frustration this time but a fantastic sense of relief. Her friends had laughed at her when she told them she was going on a date with Gordon. The name told the story; to 28 year old women he seemed like an old, old man, so old that Lucy had christened him 'dead balls'. But Greta thought he was one of those guys you have to get right up close to and then squeeze up a little bit more, the evening had been fantastic, talking, laughing, flirting and then, the sex had been out of this world. He'd got all the experience and showed the class and quality he had. He started it all off slowly, showing splashes of quality until all of a sudden she lost her footing a little bit.
She thought of Lucy and that daft nickname and told herself to tell Lucy not to underestimate the power of dead balls. 

Explanation time 
Last week I was watching Belgium v Algeria and it dawned on me that the commentator, Andy Townsend, was actually speaking in thinly veiled sexual innuendo. So this post is his words weaved into a story.
This is a list of the phrases he said,  see if you can spot them in the story.

Fantastic sense of relief
He's always trying to nip in behind
Couldn't get near him
Very honest very hardworking
Very difficult
Very stubborn
Looks to get in the box
Another layer of frustration
Brilliant at it
Side to side back and forward like that
Show the class and quality you've got
He does well with his legs
Those can creep in
Exceptionally quick
Whip it in first time
Too slow too predictable
Put it in there
Comes across the from of his man
He was always getting in the box
Tough man to deal with, difficult to stop
Get some bigguns in the box.
Squeeze up a little bit more.
Don't underestimate the power of dead balls
He's one of those guys you have to get right up close to
Just gather and manipulate himself.
He doesn't want to come and show
He's very quick, he's very direct.
He's a handful
He's got all the experience
You start to panic a bit as you get older
He's a big lad
He's not afraid to hit them
It's a little bit sticky
Move it around a little bit more
He has to be back inside his man
Great tackle
Two good feet
That's a lot more like it

3 comments:

  1. haha:-) ! Rolling on the floor laughing when I look at the list of comments in the context of the story:-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. a great tackle indeed:-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Petra Goláňová24 June 2015 at 18:11

    Finally a satisfying match!

    ReplyDelete