Tuesday 31 December 2013

The end of humanity? A Steve Rant



‘Hey how was the rest of Christmas?’ Johnny smiled and took a mouthful of Guinness. It was the first time he’d seen Steve since Christmas morning.
‘Don’t ask!’
‘Oh dear, that good?’
‘Oh it was okay but I had two of the worst presents ever, and I mean ever, I would have preferred a fucking Hobot 168 than the shit I got this year.’
‘Well, it’s meant to be the thought that counts Steve. Johnny smiled, he had the feeling he was going to enjoy this.
‘Exactly and these presents show that the people involved, who will remain nameless, put absolutely no thought into it at all. If they thought about me even slightly, they would know I would rather get nothing than get that crap.’
‘Spit it out what did you get. I can’t stand the suspense.’
‘A fucking onesie and if that’s not bad enough a Christmas jumper.’
But it was Johnny who spat it out, his beer across the table, laughing at the thought of Steve wearing either of those items.
‘Can you imagine the look on my face? Holding those things up and having to say thank you; for fuck’s sake if one wasn’t bad enough, one of each.’ 
Johnny smiled at the thought hoping there’d be photos.
‘Both the onesie and the Christmas jumper are’ Steve continued  ‘the final confirmation that all hope is lost for western humanity. Three years ago they were joke items, things to be laughed at. How the bloody hell did they become the must have fashion accessory of 2013? It just shows how gullible people can be.’ 
‘Gullible? How do you mean?’ Johnny asked.
‘It’s bread and circuses mate, bread and circuses. Look at this country, house prices up, unemployment up, interest rates up, but I’ve got this cute little onesie and this fucking hilarious Christmas jumper so all is well in the world.’
‘So have you worn them? Please tell me there are photos?’ Johnny was grinning like a kid with a chocolate from the Christmas tree.
‘Fuck off I have! The world might have lost its sense of shame, but I haven’t. I’d rather wear Ugg boots than that crap and you will never find me in a pair of them.’
‘That’s a pity’
‘No they are already in bags to be taken to the charity shop.’
‘Ah the spirit of Christmas.’
‘There’s nowhere in the bible that says you have to dress like a prat is there? I don’t remember the three wise men slipping on onesies and jumping on their camels or the shepherds shearing their flocks by night so they could make a jumper with Rudolph the bloody red nose reindeer on it.’

Johnny smiled pointed to Steve’s empty glass, watched his friend nod and then went to get them both a fresh pint.

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