Sunday 10 February 2013

KFC



‘You eating?’ Johnny shook his head. Steve and Johnny were settling over their first pints at their usual table in the Elephant and Castle.
‘You eaten?’
Johnny nodded.
‘Yeah I had KFC on my way here.’
Steve rolled his eyes to the heavens. Johnny immediately saw the danger signs and regretted saying anything.
Steve tutted.
‘Did you see the game last night?’ Johhny tried to change the subject but it was to no avail.
Steve took the menu and started reading it, ignoring the question from his friend.
‘What have I told you about junk food Johnny?’
Johnny sighed knowing the question was rhetorical, knowing he was going to get the answer from his friend. He took a huge gulp of his beer. The only way he could get Steve to change the subject was to distract him by sending him to the bar.
Steve looked up from the menu thoughtfully. Johnny hoped he was going to say I think I’ll have the lasagne, but he didn’t
‘The thing about junk food is that it is like having drunken sex with your crazy ex girlfriend.’ Steve opined, ‘at the time it seems like the best idea in the world, you kind of know it's wrong but that is part of the fun. It fills a need and you go away feeling satisfied but are you really… are you really?’ Steve pointed the menu at Johnny.
‘No you’re not. Not long afterwards you feel a bit guilty, a bit sick, like you have a stone in your stomach and you wish you hadn’t done it. You sober up and realize nothing good can come of it and swear to yourself you'll never do it again.’
Johnny smiled, he had to admit it was a good analogy.
‘Until the next time. When of course you do exactly the same thing again and have exactly the same post-orgasmic blues.’
Steve looked back down at the menu and then declared.
‘I think I’ll have the lasagna, same again?’ Johnny nodded.
While Steve was at the bar Johnny checked the news on his phone and when Steve came back with two pints of bitter Johnny was grinning from ear to ear.
‘What’s up with you?’ Steve asked putting the drinks on the table.
‘Ordered your lasagna did you?’
Yeah, why?’ Steve looked bemused.
Johnny handed Steve his phone complete with the headline.
Frozen Lasagne contains 100% horsemeat. 


If you like this Steve Rant then check out some of his others - herehere, here, here and here 

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